Funny one-liners to ease your Monday.

•   Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'' -   Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

• I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'   - Eleanor Roosevelt

•    Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. - Mark Twain
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•    Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain  

•  By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. – Socrates

• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

•    My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.   - Jimmy Durante  

  

•   I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

• Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

• My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.   - Rodney Dangerfield

•    Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.   - Spike Milligan

•    I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

•     I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. - W. C. Fields

•    We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

• Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

  

•  Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller

• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.   - Billy Crystal

•   And the cardiologist's diet: -  If it tastes good spit it out. 

A little competition is good for the soul

Ok... last night, when I couldn't sleep, I had the perfect title for this section. Of course now I can't remember what it was.

Besides writing, I love to play in the garden or kitchen. My husband is as enthusiastic about food as I am. Not just eating it, but cooking as well. He was like a kid at Christmas when our Pampered Chef order came in. Gardening... not so much.

Back on subject.

So, on Mondays, I decided to torture share with you a few of my adventures in the garden or as I experiment with food.

This weekend I got to play with a lot of oil! Really hot oil. I don't usually deep fry. It's messy and I hate pouring a bottle of oil into a pot. It just seems like so...much. But my husband and I were talking about what to make for dinner and he mentioned he was in the mood for hamburgers. I usually jump at anything that has to be cooked outdoors so I agreed. Then he innocently asked if I'd ever made onion rings. I hadn't. So, as he knew it would, I was challenged.

After searching through recipes on the Internet, I have now made onion rings!

What do you think? Of course that was only part of the meal. While I fried bacon, and cut veggies (all fresh from the local state college...and oh so good.) he added spices and such to the hamburger meat, threw the patties on the BBQ and Voila!

I know, not much on presentation but Oh. My. Gosh. I swear my husband put magic in those patties. So, so good.

After dinner, as we sat on the couch, unable to move, my hubby turns to me and says do we have anything sweet in the house? I mention brownies. He says, nah, that'll take too long. So I bet him I could make brownies in 30 minutes. Of course he took me up on that bet. (We're a little competitive) Besides. I won.

Chocolate, chocolate chip brownie with walnuts. Also not the best plating, but hey, I was under a deadline. After he ate his brownie and downed a glass of milk, I asked him if he knew how long it took brownies to bake. He didn't and was surprised when I told him. (25-27 minutes) See, I have a little magic of my own.

What did you last cook/bake that really excited you?

Technically, I'm challenged.

Is it just me or does technology take almost as much time away from us as it’s suppose to free up? 

Don’t get me wrong. I am so glad we live in the era of computers and microwaves. I mean I make my living through the computer, I met and communicate with the majority of my friends online, and the microwave is my, and my cold coffee’s, best friend.

From my phone I can access my email, facebook, twitter and any other website or social media I need. This comes in so handy when you’re expecting the email and you can’t check your account every 2 minutes, hitting refresh frantically to see if the contents changed in the time it took you to register that the email was not there. Oh come on, I know that’s not just me. ; ) Or when you forgot to print out the confirmation for your daughter’s birthday party 10 minutes before the guests are supposed to arrive but, thankfully, it’s still in your inbox.

I spend about two hours or so in the morning checking various blogs, social media and checking my email. The cell phone puts that all in one place. It’s handy. When there’s something I need to tend to immediately, I know immediately. 

But lately, the bloom has worn off the rose. Between my Lynne persona and this one, I have over 8 email accounts. I say over 8 because I lost count. The most important of these is linked to my phone. I belong to quite a few loops and groups so I’m used to wading through 100-300 emails a day. But now, I also have to weed through them on my phone. I wake up to about 40 (from early-riser east coast people) and that number will easily triple or quadruple throughout the day.

I weed through these emails on the computer, deleting each after I read but this doesn’t do anything to the emails on my phone so each one has to be deleted from my phone as well. I know this sounds like I’m whining, but do you realize I spent over an hour just deleting emails from my cell phone today, put the phone down, made dinner and came back to 30 more! I’m afraid I’m going to wear the wheel out on my Blackberry. And folks, in an hour you can write 1 to 3K +, clean a room, do a load of laundry… come to think of it you can do a load of laundry and write or clean. (I love multi-tasking) You can read a child several books, organize a closet, weed a flower bed…. Get my point? There are a lot of other things I could be doing with that hour. Is this the price of technology?

The obvious choice is digest. It would eliminate most of the problem. But thanks to my Lynne experience on the other loops, I know I don’t read digests and tend to miss a lot of good information pertinent to my writing career.

Please don’t suggest that I just leave them there. I can’t stand that number on my phone indicating unread messages. Call me anal but that would drive me bat…crazy.

I also realize this could be part of my technology-challengedness (Yes, I made up that word—I’m a writer, I can do that.) So…I’m coming to you with my Blackberry in hand. (Unfortunately, I don’t own a hat) Does anyone know how to mass delete select emails from your Blackberry? Anyone invent a time machine yet? Tardis? Time turner? I’ll use it for good, I swear.

Today...

is my very first blog over at Everybody Needs a Little Romance. I'm so excited to be part of such a talented group. Please stop by and say hi. You might even learn something about me. ; ) I will be blogging two Tuesdays a month. : )