Funny one-liners to ease your Monday.

•   Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'' -   Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

• I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'   - Eleanor Roosevelt

•    Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. - Mark Twain
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•    Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain  

•  By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. – Socrates

• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

•    My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.   - Jimmy Durante  

  

•   I have never  hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

• Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

• My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.   - Rodney Dangerfield

•    Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.   - Spike Milligan

•    I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

•     I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. - W. C. Fields

•    We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers

• Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

  

•  Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller

• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.   - Billy Crystal

•   And the cardiologist's diet: -  If it tastes good spit it out.