These made me laugh, I hope they do you too!
1. I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt
2. Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. - Mark Twain
3. Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
4. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
5. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. - W. C. Fields